Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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