That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize