You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
