My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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