He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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