your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
