we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
