Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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