Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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