I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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