An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
His hands were made for my vagina.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
