my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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