My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
