I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
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I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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