Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
