She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
