I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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