Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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