I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
