I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
