Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
birth control should be required to get into college
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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