i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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