Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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