There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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