I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
