Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
