when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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