did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
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I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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