so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
