Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
