yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
why do cheetos always look like penises
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
