I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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