Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
