I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
