member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
