I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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