you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i will never coherently bang her
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
