Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
