It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
