the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
