Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
