She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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