cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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