Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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