i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Are my feet made of real feet?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
