The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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