Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
