I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
