my phone needs a breathalizer
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
