he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
