I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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