tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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