i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
